I woke up this morning fully aware that Shannon has now been gone 8 months. A lifetime and yet, the blink of an eye.
But, I didn't awake to sadness or dread today. I feel good. Not that you all care how I "feel", but it's just a reminder that each day on this journey is different and acceptance of what you "feel" at any given moment makes the journey easier. I think that's true for anyone in this crazy world, but it's just more poignant and frontal as we navigate the path of grieving. Earlier this week I felt sad and mad, but today I feel good.
We spend a lot of time "thinking" about what we "feel"... part of the process, I suppose...
Before all this, I remember hearing stories where people claimed that life altering events had changed them for the better. I thought that was a bunch of bullshit. I naively believed that they were just saying that as a coping mechanism to prop themselves up enough to get out of bed and go on. How could a loss like this make your life better in any way?
But, I get it now. I now have an understanding that it's not all within my control. I now see a bigger, wider, world. There are more shadows, but also more light.
I am working on patience, acceptance, and gratitude.
Patience with myself - and with others. Earlier this week, I was listening to some kids complain about their schedules and their teachers and I felt so much anger because I took it personally. How could they be taking it for granted? Not everyone gets to go to high school, you know... which leads me to acceptance. Those girls weren't doing anything wrong. Their behavior was normal. I am the one who is different.
I know that intellectually, but emotionally it is hard to accept sometimes. I am realizing that my perspective on "normal" things will always be colored by my experience. Sometimes that makes things harder, but sometimes it makes things clearer. The events of the past 17 months mean I will always live in an altered reality. I am learning to accept life as it is now. Which leads me to gratitude.
Today, I "feel"good. I took a walk in the cold, crisp morning air. I am wearing a Shannon shirt as I do the 6th of each month. I will think about her and Erin and Dan and our family and friends as I go through my day, and I will try and practice that gratitude, acceptance, and patience...
As I did some reading this morning, this passage jumped out at me:
"Look upon each day that comes as a challenge, as a test of courage. The pain will come in waves, some days worse than others, for no apparent reason. Accept the pain. Do not suppress it. Never attempt to hide grief from yourself. Little by little, just as the deaf, the blind, the handicapped develop with time an extra sense to balance disability, so the bereaved will find new strength, new vision, born of the very pain and loneliness which seem, at first, impossible to master." - Daphne Du Maurier
First Day of School
This is the obligatory first day of school picture posted here...just as we did last year...the same, but different. Erin was ready, yet not. Excited, but a bit apprehensive. The same as last year, but different...
It's impossible not to let our minds wander just a bit to Shannon's classmates starting high school today.
But, we are trying to focus on what's right here, right now for us, and that's Erin's first day of school. Erin should get to feel excitement about that, not sadness. So that's our goal as her parents - stay in the present and find joy in it.
Time for the change of seasons, time for some forward momentum... our girl is off to 7th grade.
Graham Arena Memorial
"Give sorrow words; The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er fraught heart and bids it break" - William Shakespeare
Man, have I been taking Shakespeare's words to heart this week! It seems all I've been capable of doing is remembering Shannon, memorializing her. I keep wanting to tell stories about her. I keep remembering events - mostly times where she was full of life and in control. I guess like I said the other day, this time of year is so reflective - another school year starts, another hockey season is gearing up, it all seems so normal and yet, not.
Grief does come and go in waves, but this week it's kept me in pretty close company. Understandable because much of my time and energy this week was spent working on the memorial display for Graham Arena. With the help of friends (thank you, Amy) and Rochester Youth Hockey, a permanent display case was placed to remember Shannon. Yesterday, we filled it up.
We've mentioned here that Shannon's favorite place on earth was Lake Hubert, but Graham Arena was a very close second. From October to March each year, it was her happy place. Oh, how I wish she was bouncing through those halls, carrying that ridiculously large equipment bag, prepping for another hockey season.
But, now her jersey hangs in remembrance. I guess I can think of the display case as a way to continue telling the story. All of Shannon's team pictures are in the case, and those girls who were her teammates through the years are a part of the story, too.
A plaque is being donated by Shannon's team from last year, The Rebels, and it will explain the display to curious visitors. It reads:
Shannon O’Hara: July 29, 1998 - January 6, 2012
Shannon fought a nine month battle with brain cancer. Hockey was her passion. She loved the game, loved the rink, and loved to compete. Her last skate was here at Graham Arena just 33 days before her death.
In her memory, the Rochester Girls Hockey Tournaments will compete each year for the Shannon Cup. A scholarship fund has also been established and the Shannon O'Hara Memorial Scholarships will be awarded each year to deserving seniors who participated in Rochester Youth Hockey. To donate, please contact RYHA.
I read recently in one of my grief and loss books that grief can build up like a pressure cooker. To release the pressure, we need to speak. Tell a friend. Tell another friend, or tell the same friend again. As often as you need to, tell your story.
Part of our story is now on display at Graham Arena.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
I can feel the calendar creeping towards fall, but the weather outside tells a different story. A late August heat wave is pushing the temps into the 90's these next few days. While it feels like summer, we know that September is just days away.
There's a part of me that just wants to get this "year of firsts" behind me. This week, I can't help but think back to last year at this time. Shannon's late August MRI last year showed us the significant shrinkage of the tumor and she was ready to go to 8th grade. We met with her teachers and told them it was all systems go for a great year at Willow Creek. She was playing soccer and skating and ... well, I just wish my mind didn't play the "a year ago at this time" game because it's difficult to believe where we were just one year ago. Shannon was here and she was doing everything she set out to do...
But, time doesn't stop, so here we are coming up on the Labor Day weekend that marks the end of another summer.
Erin is holding on to these last few summer days - still sleeping in - but she will be ready to go on Tuesday. She has had a lot of freedom this summer, often staying up much later than me and Dan. But, she knows the end is near. In fact, she even managed to read a book over these past couple of days! (I hope her English teacher isn't reading this...)
Fall also starts the new session of tennis lessons at the Rochester Athletic Club and I've decided to teach a couple of classes again. I haven't been on the schedule since November, but they want me back, so I will teach a few hours a week and see how it goes. It's probably a good idea for me to have somewhere I need to be, at least a couple of days a week. Starting Tuesday, Erin will leave the house at 6:50am and return from volleyball at 6:15pm and Dan will be on the road, and I'll suddenly have a lot of time on my hands!
So, teaching a little tennis again is part of my plan. As for the rest of my plan, well, I'm still working on it ...
I've been listening to a lot of music this past week. Some different artists have been keeping me company - James Morrison, Imagine Dragons, Ben Rector. I came across a song I had never heard before by an artist named Carlos Bertonatti. His song, The Little Things, struck a cord with me this week:
My experience tells me the river flows
From North to South with an undertow
And 20 million people sing
Hallelujah to all kinds of things
And I still don't know
Just where we're gonna go...
If life has taught me anything
It's all about the little things, oh yeah...
But, time doesn't stop, so here we are coming up on the Labor Day weekend that marks the end of another summer.
Erin is holding on to these last few summer days - still sleeping in - but she will be ready to go on Tuesday. She has had a lot of freedom this summer, often staying up much later than me and Dan. But, she knows the end is near. In fact, she even managed to read a book over these past couple of days! (I hope her English teacher isn't reading this...)
Fall also starts the new session of tennis lessons at the Rochester Athletic Club and I've decided to teach a couple of classes again. I haven't been on the schedule since November, but they want me back, so I will teach a few hours a week and see how it goes. It's probably a good idea for me to have somewhere I need to be, at least a couple of days a week. Starting Tuesday, Erin will leave the house at 6:50am and return from volleyball at 6:15pm and Dan will be on the road, and I'll suddenly have a lot of time on my hands!
So, teaching a little tennis again is part of my plan. As for the rest of my plan, well, I'm still working on it ...
I've been listening to a lot of music this past week. Some different artists have been keeping me company - James Morrison, Imagine Dragons, Ben Rector. I came across a song I had never heard before by an artist named Carlos Bertonatti. His song, The Little Things, struck a cord with me this week:
My experience tells me the river flows
From North to South with an undertow
And 20 million people sing
Hallelujah to all kinds of things
And I still don't know
Just where we're gonna go...
If life has taught me anything
It's all about the little things, oh yeah...
Brains Together For A Cure
We want to get the word out about an upcoming event that we will be a part of again this year - so mark your calendars and join us October 6th if you can.
In memory of Shannon, we will be walking at the BTFAC fundraiser. This is a local organization and all proceeds from this event go directly to the Mayo Clinic to fund brain tumor research.
In addition, Dan has been asked to be a speaker at this year's event. A chance to share our story, raise some money, and remember our girl.
We'd love to have a whole crew of people sporting Shannon T-shirts - any one of the many versions that are out there - so come join us!
Here are the details:
Date: October 6, 2012
Time: 9:00am Registration, 10:00am walk
Place: RCTC Fieldhouse
If you pre-register by September 21st, the cost is $20, same day registration on October 6th is $25.
BTFAC Registration Link
Erin O.
I can't help but share this, so indulge me. Courtesy of Matt Addington Photography, here's our Mayo Spartan volleyballer...
Thursday August 23, 2012
It's been another busy week around here. Does it seem like I say that a lot?
Volleyball is in full swing - uniforms have been handed out and a fundraiser has taken place. Team sweatshirts have been ordered and tomorrow it's time for team pictures. Next week their season begins with two matches already!
It's funny to see Erin jumping right in to being a Mayo Spartan. We always assumed her big sister would be there to show her the ropes, but that wasn't meant to be. So, Erin will figure it out on her own.
Now, let's not get too far ahead of ourselves. Erin is still in middle school and that meant today was schedule pick up day. I see some familiar teacher's names on Erin's schedule and that makes me happy. We've had such good experiences with these teachers at Willow Creek, and I suspect this year will bring more of the same.
So Erin's schedule will keep her busy with English and Social Studies, Life Science and Linear Algebra, and throw in a little Health, 21st Century Technology, Band, and Phy Ed for good measure. After that each day she will ride the activities bus to Mayo High School for volleyball practice. Home in time for dinner and homework, then get up and do it all again...
I have been busy with book stuff - writing captions and finding the photos that will appear in the book. Hard to look at the photos in sequence like that. When I look chronologically at the 64 images that appeared in this blog in a year, they tell their own story.
Fall is in the air now, school will be starting soon, and hockey tryouts are approaching. Just last year, Shannon was preparing for all of it. Now, her friends carry on, and we watch and support them the best we can.
The highlight of this week for us was a visit from Dr. Cynthia Wetmore. She was in Rochester and made time to see us. We hadn't seen her since saying goodbye on a rainy day in Memphis last December 22nd.
Erin, Dan, and I enjoyed re-connecting with her in person. As Dan said to me later, "She is a cool chick." We all talked about Shannon, of course, and then Erin filled her in on volleyball and middle school. Cynthia talked about the research they are doing at St. Jude, and Dan and I brought her up to speed on the book.
Dr. Wetmore will be a part of the book project, providing a foreword that speaks about the horrible disease that took Shannon's life, and the need for research.
Dan's right, by the way. She is a cool chick. I'm glad to call her a friend.
Volleyball is in full swing - uniforms have been handed out and a fundraiser has taken place. Team sweatshirts have been ordered and tomorrow it's time for team pictures. Next week their season begins with two matches already!
It's funny to see Erin jumping right in to being a Mayo Spartan. We always assumed her big sister would be there to show her the ropes, but that wasn't meant to be. So, Erin will figure it out on her own.
Now, let's not get too far ahead of ourselves. Erin is still in middle school and that meant today was schedule pick up day. I see some familiar teacher's names on Erin's schedule and that makes me happy. We've had such good experiences with these teachers at Willow Creek, and I suspect this year will bring more of the same.
So Erin's schedule will keep her busy with English and Social Studies, Life Science and Linear Algebra, and throw in a little Health, 21st Century Technology, Band, and Phy Ed for good measure. After that each day she will ride the activities bus to Mayo High School for volleyball practice. Home in time for dinner and homework, then get up and do it all again...
I have been busy with book stuff - writing captions and finding the photos that will appear in the book. Hard to look at the photos in sequence like that. When I look chronologically at the 64 images that appeared in this blog in a year, they tell their own story.
Fall is in the air now, school will be starting soon, and hockey tryouts are approaching. Just last year, Shannon was preparing for all of it. Now, her friends carry on, and we watch and support them the best we can.
The highlight of this week for us was a visit from Dr. Cynthia Wetmore. She was in Rochester and made time to see us. We hadn't seen her since saying goodbye on a rainy day in Memphis last December 22nd.
Erin, Dan, and I enjoyed re-connecting with her in person. As Dan said to me later, "She is a cool chick." We all talked about Shannon, of course, and then Erin filled her in on volleyball and middle school. Cynthia talked about the research they are doing at St. Jude, and Dan and I brought her up to speed on the book.
Dr. Wetmore will be a part of the book project, providing a foreword that speaks about the horrible disease that took Shannon's life, and the need for research.
Dan's right, by the way. She is a cool chick. I'm glad to call her a friend.
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