3 Generations take NYC

I am back in Rochester after a wonderful trip to Philadelphia and NYC. My mom and I did a planes, trains and automobiles adventure. It was our first time traveling together without baggage... I mean, husbands or children... :)

I had planned a "Galentine's" adventure that included some time at Drexel with Erin and her roommates, an overnight with mom's brother Brian and wife Julie in Buck's County, PA, and then an Amtrak ride to NYC for sightseeing, and, a chance to see the musical, Hamilton, on Broadway.

Despite all the hype and anticipation - Hamilton exceeded my expectations. I did my best not to sing along with every word. If you ever get the chance, go see it.

We had two days to enjoy NYC. Erin and I introduced Grandma to Uber and subway travel around Manhattan. We also walked 7 miles one day and 8 miles the next, checking out Central Park, shopping on 5th avenue, and enjoying an authentic Italian dinner in Little Italy. At 74, Grandma Gwen was more than up to the challenge. I'm so grateful for her good health and adventurous spirit.

The trip came at a great time for Erin. She's in the midst of a tough quarter of classes and a gray, winter season. A weekend away with two of her biggest fans was good for the soul. We laughed a lot and talked about life and dreams and goals, and reminded her that she doesn't have to have the world figured out at age 18. (She's still only 18!) She's still loving Drexel and has a great group of friends. I was glad to get to drop into her world for a first hand look.

I came out of the weekend reminded of the importance of the mother-daughter relationship. I am lucky to get a good draw on both sides of that equation. Being with my own mother reminds me that once a mother, always a mother. She still worries about me, in the same way I worry about Erin. We want to make the stresses and the hurts soften. We want to celebrate the successes and shout the accomplishments from the rooftop. 

One of the best things we can do for our daughters is lead by example. I do my best. I know my mom does, too.

"Here's to strong women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them." 

Shannon Cup and Scholarship Night

January has come to a close... it's always one of the best and worst months of the year for us. We start off with the holiday hangover and the anniversary of Shannon's death, which always coincides with sending Erin back to school each year. That's a double whammy for this mom.

But, the month gets busy with our hockey fundraisers and the Shannon Cup, and it culminates in our annual scholarship night.

The Shannon Cup was a huge success once again. We had the great pleasure of meeting and talking with youth girl's teams from Farmington, MN, Des Moines, IA, Appleton, WI and many places in between. All in all, 24 teams featuring 300 girls came to Graham Arena and the majority of them visited our merchandise table and left with a Shannon O'Hara Foundation hoodie, hat, or t-shirt.

We love getting to meet these girls and share Shannon's story. We tell them about her love of hockey, but more importantly, about her love of team and friends. We try and spread a message of kindness. It's our small attempt to make a difference and make the world a better place.

The Rochester teams have embraced the Shannon Cup as their own, doing fundraising for the foundation. Two teams in particular this year, raised money through events and raffles.

The 12B Black girl's team presented us a check for $1,478. They were so proud to donate.

The 15A team, with girls who were playing in their last Shannon Cup before making the move to HS hockey, raised $4,001!

Mixed in amongst the Shannon Cup were two chances for the high school girls teams to support the foundation as well. The Lourdes girls held a Shannon night and donated three separate checks. Here are the words they shared:

Our first check represents the efforts of kids who are the same age as Shannon was during her playing days. During every home game, we have parents who purchase pucks and look for young kids to Chuck a Puck for Shannon. $110 represents their winning so far this year.

Our second check is a token of thanks from parents whose older daughters had the privilege of playing hockey with Shannon. The experience their daughter gained by being able to follow Shannon's journey has provided them with a sense of courage and appreciation that has been invaluable in their lives. This check is for $500.

Our third check is from the Lourdes High School Girls Hockey Family. It is an acknowledgment of how vital the Shannon O'Hara Foundation is not only for girl's hockey in Rochester but as an example to the entire hockey community of the difference one person can make in helping others. This check is for $999.99.

The number 9 represented in such a meaningful way.

The three public schools also did their part to support the SOF. Not only did the Mayo and Century girls teams volunteer all weekend at the merchandise table, Century, Mayo and John Marshall held their own Shannon night, coming together to donate $1,675.

The reason for all this fundraising? To give back. To make a difference in Shannon's memory and help local kids fund their education. Scholarship night is the chance to say thank you to the community and to recognize a few local kids for their efforts.

This year, 4 students were awarded $2,500 each toward their post-secondary education. Corrin Hanson (Lourdes), Megan Andrist (Century), Max Cothern (Mayo), and Sam Williams (Century) are the 2020 Shannon O'Hara Memorial Scholarship recipients.

And that's a wrap. We're exhausted but heartened by the events of the last month. We get to spend the month watching kids play hockey and reminiscing about Shannon's favorite times at the rink. In a world that's sometimes hard and cold, we are lifted up by the support from others. Acts of kindness always make a difference, so thank you to every person who donated a dollar or bought a t-shirt.

The Shannon O'Hara Foundation is going strong. We couldn't do it without you.

Another anniversary - Jan. 6, 2020

8 years ago on this day, our world fractured when Shannon passed away. We had spent the previous 9 short months in a sprint, focused on Shanon and what she wanted and needed.

Then, she was gone and we had to begin to pick up the pieces.

Grief and loss is not linear. Of course, anniversaries like this are hard. We expect that. What you don't expect is a song on the radio that reminds you, Or a place or a memory that just pops into your head unexpectedly. Those are the moments that can blindside you and buckle you at the knees.

Dan and I put Erin on a plane back to college yesterday, and then watched an absolutely improbable win by the Minnesota Vikings. We couldn't help but think - Shannon would have loved that. She would have been screaming at the TV, right along with me and Dan.

At least that's what we imagine. Would Shannon still be a crazy fan? I assume so, but who knows if what Shannon was at 13 is who she'd be at 21.

And that's the thing. We never get to know what she would have been. As a mother, that's what hurts the most.

I've come to realize that being a mother is one of my favorite roles. And I don't get to do it as much any more. Erin is growing up and Shannon is gone. Yes, of course, Erin still needs me sometimes. But, more and more she handles things on her own and makes her own decisions. As it should be. But that doesn't mean I don't miss being needed.

So that's the emotion I feel today, after 8 years of living without Shannon. I miss what we didn't get to have. I miss getting more chances to be a mom to that  spunky, brown-eyed girl.

I'm grateful every day for Dan and Erin and our ability to weather the waves that don't stop. Today is another anniversary. Tomorrow is a new day.

Jan. 1, 2020

Happy New Year!

The calendar has flipped to a new year and a new decade. I always like the fresh start - another chance to do better and be better in a new year. A clean slate holds so much promise.

There has been a lot of talk about the new decade ahead and reminiscing about the decade we just completed. It's impossible not to fixate on Shannon's illness and death when I think about the past decade. It is the marker in time of before and after, of naiveté and innocence lost.

In 2010, we were in the throes of raising two girls, running them to hockey practice, soccer practice, piano lessons... all the things that kids need to do to be well rounded and grow up right. I, in the way I do, was planning out what was next and where they were headed. I could see what I thought was their future - Willow Creek Middle School, then Mayo HS, playing sports for the Spartans, of course, and then on to college to pursue a passion that could become a career.

10 years later, our little family has learned so much about ourselves and the world. We learned about grace and accepting love and support. We found people who are a part of our tribe - those people who talk about Shannon and continue to show up when we need them most. These 10 years showed us we can be stronger than we ever imagined we could be. In this past decade, we had to find a new way to be a family, to honor our missing piece, but still go on living with hope for the future. We had to accept a new normal.

It has been a bit of a solemn holiday season for me, Dan and Erin. No particular reason that it hit us harder this year than others. Our 8th Christmas without Shannon, which is hard to believe. I think the concept of families gathering from near and far just bring a painful reminder that our family will always have a void where Shannon and her life should be. We're just 5 days from marking her passing yet again. The calendar can be unforgiving.

But again, a new year is a fresh start, and we get a new decade this time, too.

What will the next 10 years look like? I hope for Erin to continue to enjoy college, then graduate school, then have a chance to pursue a career. (Side note - I hope that tuition payments end!) Will she be "settled" somewhere in 10 years? Who knows...

I hope for Dan and I to get to travel more in these next 10 years. I hope he gets to retire in this next decade. What will that look like? Who knows...

I hope I continue to love what I do, and to find my work challenging and engaging. I hope for good health and time with the people I love. I hope for more adventures and to see more of the world.

So cheers to 2020. You hold so much promise. Let's get started.

Sunday Nov. 24, 2019

Team O'Hara is in vacation mode! Dan and I are in Rochester, Erin is in Philly, but tomorrow morning we will meet at O'Hare and catch a flight together to Palm Desert, CA for the Thanksgiving holiday.

This was our tradition during Erin's high school years, but we took a one year hiatus last year since it was Erin's freshman year, her first time living away, and we wanted to spend the time together at home. But, we're glad to be heading west again this year.

This trip is possible because of all the nights Dan spends in places like Flint, MI and Fargo, ND. All those Marriott rewards points add up... and we're going to spend them!

It has been 9 weeks since we took Erin to school. This is the longest we've gone without seeing each other in person. I am grateful for texting, face time and social media to stay connected, but nothing can replace getting to hug her in person. Tomorrow. We'll get a week with her now, send her back to school for 10 days to finish up fall quarter, and then get her home in Rochester for a 3 week winter break. This momma is ready for some Erin time. (Dad is too...)

I have kept myself busy this fall with the first two courses of grad school, working towards a master's degree. After some initial angst about WTF I was doing, I can say that it's been a good challenge. I am using my brain and critical thinking skills in ways that I haven't in a while. The coursework has been relevant to my job and I've been able to use real world examples in my writing. I feel like it's a worthwhile endeavor. I may be one of the oldest people in my program, but I ain't dead yet...

The holidays are here again. It happens every year. The good of family, friends, and celebration, and the pain of memories and loss. My Facebook flashback got me again this week:

This was such a great day. Shannon's Rebel hockey team won the title at the Hopkins hockey tournament. This group of girls had never won a tournament, but on that day, they did. Shannon played her heart out and was beaming from ear to ear, holding that trophy. 

We celebrated all the way home, including a stop at Dairy Queen where Shannon brought the trophy into the restaurant! We were all glowing. Shannon's teammates let her bring the giant trophy home. They all knew she was battling her brain tumor at that time, and symptoms had started to occur again. When we tucked Shannon in that night, we were reveling in the win. Shannon looked at Dan and I and said "It's too bad my first championship came near the end of my life". Gut punch. Two weeks later we went to St. Jude for a clinical trial. Seven weeks later, she was gone. 

So, these are the reminders that this time of year brings. I'm glad for the memories, even the painful ones. I need them so Shannon doesn't fade away. In some ways, I miss her more now, or miss the loss of who she would have been. Erin is an adult, doing adult things like living in an apartment, cooking for herself, and working towards a career. That makes me long to know where Shannon would have gone with her life. 

But, we have survived. We're carrying on, just as Shannon asked us to. Because of her, we all try to make a difference in this sometimes painful world. We're happy, even with the hole in our hearts that will never fully heal. We are who we are now because of who she was then.

"The holiest of holidays are those kept by ourselves in silence and apart; the secret anniversaries of the heart." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Sunday October 20, 2019

The days, weeks, months continue to fly by. I guess that's a good thing. It must mean we are busy and engaged in what we are doing. Life is good.

Dan is very busy with work and a couple of other projects, Erin is having a great fall quarter, and I am working my way through my first two classes of my master's degree. We're all doing exactly what we should be doing, I believe.

Erin is loving apartment life. Her roommates are great and the location of her apartment is even more convenient that her dorm was last year. With no cafeteria food plan this year, she is in charge of her own meals and she's been sending me and Dan photos of her creations. The other night it was a chicken breast, green beans and over roasted potatoes. I have to say, when it comes to working in the kitchen, she's way ahead of me. And I don't mean me at age 18, I mean me now at age 50!

I'm sure that she will tire of making her own meals as the year progresses, but for now, she's empowered by her "adulting" as she calls it. Her classes are going well and she even got to touch her first dead body in anatomy lab the other day. Exciting times!

School for me is going well, too, although it's taken some work to get up to speed. I had a bit of a meltdown the first few weeks as I tried to get back to being a student. Doing research and writing papers with APA in text citations and an annotated bibliography?!?! WTF? It has been 30 years since I wrote an academic-type paper and I was a bit out of practice. Dan and Erin supported me... and laughed at me... which was supportive in its own way :)  I will say I've enjoyed thinking and stretching my brain in different ways as I work on the various assignments. It's good to get out of my comfort zone.

I was listening to a favorite artist of ours, Eric Hutchinson, on my walk the other day. Dan and I got to see E Hutch perform in Minneapolis back in August and he's been back in my music rota of late. I had just completed a big assignment and my work was done for the week. I was watching Gus run in his happy puppy way (He's 18 months but still a puppy, trust me) and the song "Best Days" came on in my ear buds:

Give and take, we catch our breaks
We all learn to survive
Oh, but don't look now
I said don't look now
Cause here we are
Living the best days of our lives

It stopped me in my tracks to realize that I was thinking about whether or not I could call these our best days. Do I ever have the right to have a "best day" again? Can I ever say life is as good as its ever been, or was that door closed when Shannon left us?

It is a strange thing to wonder. We all want to say we're working towards our best lives and our best selves. Dan, Erin and I are doing the work to make life as good as it can be. But do we have to accept that it's never "the best" it could be? Can we accept that it's the best it can be considering what we've lost? I think so. I hope so.

And we're not alone. Loss is a part of the human condition and, as time passes, Erin, Dan and I meet more and more people who have their own struggles and their own grief from whatever loss they've experienced. I don't know if it makes grief any less lonely, but it makes me feel more connected to the world. I have my thing, but others have theirs, and we're all doing our best in our own ways. And right now, our best is pretty good.

So, these are the "best days", with a caveat. We're allowed to be happy. Even without Shannon.

Sept. 10, 2019 - 25th Anniversary

Twenty-five years ago, Dan and I said "I do". I was 25, he was 31 and we had no idea what lay ahead. But marriage makes you take it one day at a time, and if you're lucky, you grow together and make a life. We count ourselves as some of the lucky ones.

Twenty-five years covers two houses, three dogs, one cat and three different minivans. The minivans were necessary for carting around the little girls we created. Oh, our girls. Our best accomplishment and our biggest sorrow.

Of course our marriage has been tested. Aren't they all? Dan's battle with alcoholism and his work to get sober made us both better. Shannon's illness and death gave us a choice - throw in the towel or get stronger together. We're still here...

And now, we enter a new phase. Erin heads back to school in 10 days and, at this point, she has no plans to live under our roof again. The empty nest feels like it's truly beginning. Willow Lane will be quieter without Erin, but it is as it should be.

Today we will enjoy the day at Lake Hubert. A place we've visited during each of our 25 years of marriage. A place where we get to remember the good times. A place where Erin said she feels the closest to Shannon.

It's been a big summer for me - turning 50 and now our silver anniversary. I hope there's a lot of life left to live. While we mark these milestones, hopefully, they are just a stepping stones to what's next. We've got places to go, people to see, and things we want to do.

So, Danny, here's to 25 and to 25 more... if I had it to do over, I'd do it all again...