Erin and I made a quick trip to Wisconsin to visit Grandma and Papa Harkins this week. The weather didn't cooperate - it felt more like October than July - but the trip was still worth it. We made the most of our short time together: golf, burgers at a local saloon, game night, a little shopping in Hayward, and plenty of laughs.
Erin is a joy to be around. Of course, Grandma would say that no matter what! That's a running joke in our family... Erin told us on the golf course that Papa and I were there to give her constructive criticism, and Grandma was there for positive reinforcement. That's pretty close to the truth...
Miss E and I talked on the drive up about our relationship. Our mother-daughter dynamic feels pretty special. I feel lucky that we are so close. So does she. I can't imagine if my only child didn't like me... We talked about how we've developed this kindness, this gentleness with each other, because of what we've been through. We both know we are closer now than we would have been if Shannon were still here.
That's such a strange thing to feel, to know on the deepest level that something is better now than it would have been if Shannon hadn't died. I don't know how to articulate it, exactly, but I know it's true.
It feels good and awful at the same time.
Can I be happy about something that came about as the result of losing Shannon? Is that OK? It feels like a form of survivor's guilt. A part of me still feels like being happy isn't acceptable.
But, Shannon would want us to be happy. When her tumor recurred, she specifically told Dan and I that we need to be there for Erin. She knew that she wouldn't be. I just need to accept that Erin is here, we are close, and that is a gift. How it came to be that way was beyond my control...
So, I will enjoy these days with Miss E and trust that Shannon is with us as we carry on...
