It is a rainy Monday night in SE Minnesota and I am sitting in the dark listening to Jackson Browne. Before you have me committed, let me tell you I am feeling good about feeling sad.
I downloaded JB's 1974 release Late For the Sky from ITunes tonight. I haven't listened to it in order like we used to in years. It brings it all back for me. I grew up the youngest of 9. So my siblings music was my music. Jackson Browne's The Pretender was one of my very first self-funded albums. There were always major skirmishes around the O'Hara home when a new scratch created a skip in the best song.
It is impossible to not be reflective about life when it is just you and your thoughts and the music. For me, all song lyrics point to Shannon. It is has been months since I have allowed myself some space to cry.
The instant-gratification, electronic input overload we inflict upon ourselves on a daily basis makes it incredibly difficult to create space to think, cry, meditate. I need to do it more. It feel so good to just slow down and spend some time with your thoughts.
I have been running like a crazy man chasing down business. This week I believe I will spend every night in my own bed. What a concept. So instead of packing up this Monday night and making sure my work stuff is together for another business trip I am chilling in the dark listening to tunes. (Completely bored by MNF Niners-Rams.)
So here it is; Shannon and Erin are everywhere in our lives and always will be. Erin happens to be doing it in front of our eyes, Shannon lives only as a memory.
We are loving watching sweet Ms E grow up (a full-time gig in itself) - but impossibly empty/dark/pissed about the void in her life. She should have a big sister to argue with about scratched albums. We will have to live this way forever. So that kind of sucks. Not exactly "breaking news". Acceptance comes in waves.
So, feeling a little sorry for myself tonight. Always feels better to share your inner-most fears and sorrows. They say sharing it cuts it in half. I wonder if sharing it with a couple hundred bloggers cuts it even more. I'm hoping so.
Time for bed. One more pass through a favorite (All-time Top 5 for me) For a Dancer;
Just do the steps that you've been shown
By everyone you've ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own
No matter how close to yours
Another's steps have grown
In the end there is one dance you'll do alone
