Mother nature put a wrench in our plans yesterday. Erin's golf meet at Red Wing was canceled due to cold temps, high winds, and snow flurries. I had kept my schedule open to go and watch, so we were both a little bummed.
It looks like the weather is going to take a turn for the better. Golf meets are on the calendar for this Thursday, and Monday and Wednesday next week. I'll get my chance to see her play.
It wasn't all bad to have a day off yesterday with no activity. I think we are all still recovering from a busy weekend in the Wisconsin Dells. Erin's volleyball group is a great group of kids with a fun group of parents. A good time was had by all :)
Work is ramping up for me as I am adding another weekly project to my work for Mayo Clinic News Network. It feels good to know that the work I have done so far has proven that I can do the job. I really am lucky to have found a little niche for myself. I mostly do my work from home, on my own schedule, and I can still be there for Erin when she needs me. I'd love to keep it this way through Erin's high school years and after that, who knows...
Now, I know I shouldn't get ahead of myself. Lord knows we can't predict the future. But, for now, my work/life balance is right where I like it...
Now, it's not lost on me that Erin would need me less if Shannon were here. Shannon would drive her to school and to and from golf practice. With two girls on the golf team, they probably wouldn't want me hanging around.
If Shannon were here, I probably wouldn't have re-discovered my writing ability and I wouldn't have the opportunities I have now. It's still so hard to reconcile all those things, all the things that I know would be different if only... it will always be that way. There will always be a piece of my mind that thinks about how each stage of my life would be different if we hadn't lost Shannon. Each recognition of this missing piece will be it's own little loss, one milestone at a time.
And yet, you have to just live with what is, not what could have, should have been. I can't feel guilty that I have a job writing. And I am allowed to enjoy the extra time I get to spend with Erin. I just need to remind myself of that.
I'm in a constant state of reflection, because that is where Shannon lives. It is exhausting sometimes, but I bring it on myself. I could bury my head in the sand and not say her name. But, I can't live like that.
I don't pursue happiness, but I like it when it's a by-product of choices I make. I think that's living. if you ask me today, I'd say I'm "happy". Who knows what's ahead, but I feel like I can handle it.
"I get it now; I didn't get it then. That life is about losing and about doing it as gracefully as possible...and enjoying everything in between." - Mia Farrow
