Tonight, Erin and I were on the move: I picked her up from Mayo HS after practice, off to Chipotle for a quick dinner, then a haircut for her, and finally a piano lesson. Sometimes I drive 80 miles and don't go anywhere...
On our ride home, we were discussing the homework on her docket tonight. I mentioned an assignment that she has to finish. This exchange ensued:
"You're about halfway done with that, right?"
"Um, not exactly."
"But, I thought that's what you told me?"
"Mom, sometimes I lie to you to make you happy."
We locked eyes... and both started laughing...
Miss Erin makes me laugh and smile almost every day. I'm grateful she's here, showing me the way.
Sunday October 27, 2013
We spent the weekend gathered with the O'Hara clan to celebrate the patriarch's birthday. Ed O. will turn 90 on Tuesday.
All nine kids gathered along with most of the spouses and some of the grandchildren. You think turning ninety is a challenge, you should try to organize this crew for a group picture! After many directions were given and several opinions were voiced, we managed this:
All nine kids gathered along with most of the spouses and some of the grandchildren. You think turning ninety is a challenge, you should try to organize this crew for a group picture! After many directions were given and several opinions were voiced, we managed this:
So, another event, another milestone, another marker of time passing. We laughed plenty this weekend, but we had our solemn moments as well.
We went to mass as a whole family this morning at Christ the King in Minneapolis. There, we got a chance to see the memorial brick that Ed and Tess purchased in Shannon's memory. There it is at the front entrance:
Shannon O'Hara
small but wise
7/29/1998 - 1/6/2012
We have written about our pain and our angst often over these past few weeks. In some ways it's comforting to know people are still following our journey via this blog. So many kind words have been sent our way recently.
I think it's just hard to put into words all the things we are feeling. It's the forever thing that's weighing so heavily on us. We made it through our first holiday season without Shannon, but now another one is approaching. And then they'll be another, and another, and another...
Acceptance continues to be our goal. Acceptance that this is who we are now. Life is still good, although not exactly as we imagined it would be. There is some freedom in realizing we don't really have control and so it's not worth worrying. What will be will be. We have learned that lesson.
We also recognize that new pains, new hurts, new tragedies come every day in this world. We want to be of help to those who are traveling a similar path. In the past couple of weeks, I have been a part of a planning committee for a Brain Tumor Patient Symposium, and also been taking part in a bereavement group for families who lost their children to cancer. We continue with our work on the foundation and the book. In the next two weeks, we will be visiting with the high schoolers who are eligible to apply for the Shannon O'Hara Memorial Scholarship this year. We continue to try and make Shannon's life matter.
Life continues to be very busy for Dan and Erin, and I continue to want to figure out what's next for me.
So many people have been asking me how my writing class is going. I don't exactly know how to answer this question... My hope was that I would be prompted by this class to expand my writing chops and begin to write about other things. I don't want to be a one-trick pony.
But, in class, the prompts we are given and the assignments we have seem to always lead me back to my favorite subject.
The exercises we did in class two weeks ago illustrates my struggle. The first prompt was to close your eyes and find the first image that comes to your mind, then go to the page and write about it for five straight minutes straight without stopping. Guess who paid my mind's eye a visit.
The next exercise was to use color as a prompt. Our instructor pulled out a giant box of crayons and said, "when the box gets to you, pick the first color that catches your eye, then color with it, write with it, write about it, dive into that color." Yep. Lime green.
So, there I am, trying to expand my world, and I keep coming back to the same place. I have been frustrated by this, but I have also received some sound advice: if this is what comes, then let it flow. I guess it just means I still have things to say about my favorite subject...
My new strategy is to just let the assignments take me where I need to go.
For our homework last week, we carried the color idea further, paying attention to a time during the week when color affected us and writing from that experience. Here's my piece:
This morning at 1:17 am, my dog woke me for a trip outside. She was unsettled last night. I have been unsettled for days.
In the darkness of the middle of the night, snow was falling. The first white flakes of the season for us. White, almost translucent snow. It’s beautiful and pure and always a shock when it happens again. You think I’d be used to it after 44 years of living in Minnesota. But, year after year, it catches me by surprise.
So there, in my pj’s, at 1:17am, I watched the white, white snow fall to the ground. Even snow reminds me of Shannon. Everything leads me back to her.
We used to make a giant sledding run in our backyard. It had twists and turns and we even needed to create a berm to keep the sleds on the track. Shannon was fearless, younger sister Erin a little more cautious.
Over and over they would come down the hill, fast enough to make mom nervous. Adjustments would be made to the track - holes patched, snow added - all in the hopes of speeding it up. This was Shannon and her dad’s specialty: push it to the limit.
We haven’t had the sledding run for a couple of years now. Two years ago, Shannon was too sick to sled. Last year, our first winter without her, we tried. Erin and Dan went out and worked on the run and attempted to get it going. They didn’t succeed. They got too sad. It was too lonely without her.
So, this is how my day has started - 1:17am, the white snow, and Shannon...
Come Walk With Us - November 23rd
We are excited to take part in this event for the first time this year. The St. Jude Give thanks. Walk. will take place on Saturday, November 23rd at Target Field in Minneapolis. On that day, similar walks will be taking place in 75 cities all around the country as the kickoff of the St. Jude annual holiday campaign, Thanks and Giving.
Registration for this family-friendly event is free. It's just a 5K walk, three laps around the Target Field Concourse. All participants are encouraged to raise money to help save kids battling cancer and other deadly diseases. We have a team already formed, so when you register, make sure you join Team Shannon O'Hara Foundation.
Click the link below and choose one of two options:
1. Join our Team - If you can join us, register for the walk. That's all you have to do. If you would like, feel free to do some fundraising or make a donation on your own as you register. Every little bit helps, so no donation is too small. Dan, Erin and I got us started.
2. Support our Team - If you can't join us but would like to donate, you may choose any member of Team SOF and make a donation to their walk. I suggest you choose Erin O'Hara :)
We hope our Twin Cities friends and followers can come out to help us support St. Jude and raise money in Shannon's memory. We will be out there in our "I walk for Shannon" shirts, and we'd love to have some company.
Here's the link: Register or Support Team Shannon O'Hara Foundation
Tuesday October 22, 2013
It was a productive weekend around here as we are doing our best to pull ourselves forward.
Erin made the most of her MEA break - doing a lot of catch up on homework and hanging out with friends each day. She managed to write three papers, read 200 pages and still had time to watch a volleyball tournament here, a Gopher volleyball game at the U of M, and check out a Halloween event, Fright on the Farm. She and her buddies laughed and screamed their way through the zombies and ghosts.
Dan and I just take one look at her, and it reminds us why we need to keep plugging along. If nothing else, we do it for Erin.
When we get too far ahead of ourselves, we get worried about how we are going to cope with all the days ahead without Shannon. The holidays, the anniversaries, the milestones, the rest of our lives...
But, there are still things we want to do, places we want to go, milestones that we will reach, even without Shannon. Life is still good. It's not as easy as it once was, but it's still good.
So, back to the basics. We can do it if we take it one day at a time. I shouldn't be worried about Thanksgiving or Christmas or January 6th. I only need to focus on today. Get up, do what needs doing today, and don't worry about the rest.
That's my plan for this week. I'll keep you posted...
Erin made the most of her MEA break - doing a lot of catch up on homework and hanging out with friends each day. She managed to write three papers, read 200 pages and still had time to watch a volleyball tournament here, a Gopher volleyball game at the U of M, and check out a Halloween event, Fright on the Farm. She and her buddies laughed and screamed their way through the zombies and ghosts.
Dan and I just take one look at her, and it reminds us why we need to keep plugging along. If nothing else, we do it for Erin.
When we get too far ahead of ourselves, we get worried about how we are going to cope with all the days ahead without Shannon. The holidays, the anniversaries, the milestones, the rest of our lives...
But, there are still things we want to do, places we want to go, milestones that we will reach, even without Shannon. Life is still good. It's not as easy as it once was, but it's still good.
So, back to the basics. We can do it if we take it one day at a time. I shouldn't be worried about Thanksgiving or Christmas or January 6th. I only need to focus on today. Get up, do what needs doing today, and don't worry about the rest.
That's my plan for this week. I'll keep you posted...
The Shannon Moon
We're hoping the beautiful reminder of our Angel watching overhead will show us the way out of the current "dark period" we are experiencing as a family.
It's interesting how grief comes in waves for each of us. In the past, I've drawn analogies between alcohol recovery and recovery from loss. But there is a major distinction; the further I get away from alcohol the better it gets. Our world will never be better without Shannon in it.
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It's interesting how grief comes in waves for each of us. In the past, I've drawn analogies between alcohol recovery and recovery from loss. But there is a major distinction; the further I get away from alcohol the better it gets. Our world will never be better without Shannon in it.
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Thursday October 17th, 2013
I had a good cry yesterday. I might have another today. I wonder if it will still feel raw when I'm 50? Or 70?
I'm just feeling the loss of Shannon so acutely lately and missing her so much. It seems like I've had a lot of contact with her friends in recent days - there they are at the Mayo HS sporting events, supporting their friends. Some of them are even driving themselves around these days. I wonder if Shannon would have been a good driver...
At the volleyball game the other night, all of Shannon's best buddies were there. One was playing, and the other 4 were in the stands to cheer their friend on. These are the same five girls that were by Shannon's side, sitting at her lunch table, rooting her on.
We have this picture of those girls from Homecoming 2011. Shannon and her friends made a pyramid with Shannon on the top. She looked good, happy. So, fast forward two years later and I found myself looking at those girls, sitting in front of me at the volleyball game. One of their Grandmas took a photo of them and showed it to me. They all look beautiful and happy. It made me so sad.
As time passes, people are less aware of my loss, or less sensitive it seems. People don't want to revisit the sad things, people want to move on. It's perfectly normal behavior, and it's what you'd expect, but it doesn't make it any easier.
For us, we don't have that luxury. Yes, we move on and move forward, but we have no choice but to revisit the sadness from time to time. That is a part of who we are, and I think it always will be. We have to keep Shannon in our memory, because that is where she lives. That's why I am pretty certain I'll be able to muster up a good cry, even 30 years down the road.
The changing of the seasons, the impending holidays, and the anniversary are all looming, and I am feeling it.
I'm just feeling the loss of Shannon so acutely lately and missing her so much. It seems like I've had a lot of contact with her friends in recent days - there they are at the Mayo HS sporting events, supporting their friends. Some of them are even driving themselves around these days. I wonder if Shannon would have been a good driver...
At the volleyball game the other night, all of Shannon's best buddies were there. One was playing, and the other 4 were in the stands to cheer their friend on. These are the same five girls that were by Shannon's side, sitting at her lunch table, rooting her on.
We have this picture of those girls from Homecoming 2011. Shannon and her friends made a pyramid with Shannon on the top. She looked good, happy. So, fast forward two years later and I found myself looking at those girls, sitting in front of me at the volleyball game. One of their Grandmas took a photo of them and showed it to me. They all look beautiful and happy. It made me so sad.
As time passes, people are less aware of my loss, or less sensitive it seems. People don't want to revisit the sad things, people want to move on. It's perfectly normal behavior, and it's what you'd expect, but it doesn't make it any easier.
For us, we don't have that luxury. Yes, we move on and move forward, but we have no choice but to revisit the sadness from time to time. That is a part of who we are, and I think it always will be. We have to keep Shannon in our memory, because that is where she lives. That's why I am pretty certain I'll be able to muster up a good cry, even 30 years down the road.
The changing of the seasons, the impending holidays, and the anniversary are all looming, and I am feeling it.
Wednesday October 16, 2013
Volleyball season ended last night for the 9th grade squad. It's been a really positive experience for Erin - learning a new position and getting the opportunity to play all the time. She's got good leadership skills, and teammates respond to her.
A friend of ours watched her play last night and sent me a text afterwards saying "I saw a little bit of Dan out there." I think its the facial expressions...
So, another season is behind us. MEA break starts tonight. Time marches on.
A friend of ours watched her play last night and sent me a text afterwards saying "I saw a little bit of Dan out there." I think its the facial expressions...
So, another season is behind us. MEA break starts tonight. Time marches on.
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