Thursday October 17th, 2013

I had a good cry yesterday.  I might have another today.  I wonder if it will still feel raw when I'm 50?  Or 70?

I'm just feeling the loss of Shannon so acutely lately and missing her so much.  It seems like I've had a lot of contact with her friends in recent days -  there they are at the Mayo HS sporting events, supporting their friends.  Some of them are even driving themselves around these days.  I wonder if Shannon would have been a good driver...

At the volleyball game the other night, all of Shannon's best buddies were there.  One was playing, and the other 4 were in the stands to cheer their friend on.  These are the same five girls that were by Shannon's side, sitting at her lunch table, rooting her on.

We have this picture of those girls from Homecoming 2011.  Shannon and her friends made a pyramid with Shannon on the top.  She looked good, happy.  So, fast forward two years later and I found myself looking at those girls, sitting in front of me at the volleyball game.  One of their Grandmas took a photo of them and showed it to me.  They all look beautiful and happy.  It made me so sad.

As time passes, people are less aware of my loss, or less sensitive it seems.  People don't want to revisit the sad things, people want to move on.  It's perfectly normal behavior, and it's what you'd expect, but it doesn't make it any easier.

For us, we don't have that luxury.  Yes, we move on and move forward, but we have no choice but to revisit the sadness from time to time.  That is a part of who we are, and I think it always will be.  We have to keep Shannon in our memory, because that is where she lives.  That's why I am pretty certain I'll be able to muster up a good cry, even 30 years down the road.

The changing of the seasons, the impending holidays, and the anniversary are all looming, and I am feeling it.