Tuesday February 19, 2013

If you don't live in Minnesota, be grateful for that today.  Our high temp is creeping up just above zero, but the windchill today makes it feel like it's 30 below.  So, I'm listening to music, sitting by the fireplace, and writing this afternoon.

Another day of treatment is behind me and the end is in sight.  Just 8 more radiation sessions to go.  I feel like I've sailed through the first four weeks, but this week the fatigue has hit me hard. Daily naps that I just can't fight off, so I've chosen to give in.  Sunny the Wonderdog is happy to keep me company.  She's always up for a good afternoon nap, and hops right up on the bed with me.

I found myself thinking back to the days when Shannon's radiation caught up with her and she would come home and nap before heading off to golf practice.  Shannon did a good job of listening to her body, and I'm attempting to do the same.

This is the point in the winter where us Minnesotans start to look for light at the end of the tunnel.  We all want to click off the month of February as March always brings promise for a change of seasons.  The beginning of March will signal the end of treatment and the end of the basketball season.

Erin doesn't plan to have much down time, though, as she will jump right onto a spring volleyball team and then plans to go out for the Mayo golf team, just as Shannon did in seventh grade.

Erin continues to work to find the balance of having enough down time, but not too much idle time.  Idle time brings sadness and loneliness, so she does her best to stay busy.  This past weekend it included a pizza party with the basketball team, a Sunday evening playing games with friends, and a Monday afternoon spent with a different group of friends at the RAC.  After all that, Erin needed to sneak in a nap yesterday, too!

In her quiet moments, Erin can't help but think of Shannon.  She thinks about the what ifs and the could have beens.  She recollects Shannon by looking through scrapbooks, but also through music. A girl after my own heart.  Erin has her own playlist about the pain of loss, and it's OK to admit that there's still pain as long as you don't get stuck in it.  My best motherly advice is to acknowledge it, share it, and then set it free...

Erin shared some of her playlist with me, and she turned me on to a beautiful song called "Let Her Go". It's by singer-songwriter Mike Rosenberg who goes by the moniker, Passenger.  It's obviously about a lost love, but it's also about not realizing what you had until it's gone.  And that's what we all feel when we think of Shannon.  We had something good, and we miss not having more...

Staring at the bottom of the glass
Hoping one day you will make a dream last
The dreams come slow and it goes so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you will understand why
Everything you touch all it dies

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know your lover when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know your lover when you let her go
And you let her go...