This has been a week of forcing myself to do all the paperwork stuff that's been piling up on my desk. I've been putting away files from the Shannon Cup and scholarships, making notes of changes to me made and ways to improve.
I've just finished writing this month's SOF newsletter (I hope you are on the distribution list - I used a new format that's pretty cool.) And, today, I forced myself to get our tax stuff together.
I always pull out the previous year's tax return for comparison and that provided a gut shot this afternoon. There on line 6a of our 2012 return was Shannon's name, social security number, and relationship to us: Daughter. Dependent.
2013 will be the first year that the government - for tax purposes - doesn't recognize Shannon.
I know this is a silly little thing, but it got to me. She's further in the past every day.
We were at the Mayo basketball game the other night and looking into that student section is hard. It seems her friends and classmates are becoming young adults so quickly. I still catch myself when I see them around - I'm always looking for their parents to say hello. Then I remember, they are driving themselves everywhere these days. No parents needed.
Mayo's Sweetheart Dance is next week. I can't help but wonder who Shannon might have asked. Do you think she would have had any trouble getting a boy to go with her? I wish I could see it...
This is all just my mind playing games with me. Wishful thinking. Projecting to what might have been. Not necessarily productive for me, but sometimes I can't help myself.
So, I've been listening to good music, working around the house, and working to just accept what is, what will never be, and what may yet come. I feel sad sometimes, but I'm alright. Yes, grief and recovery is definitely a wobbly figure 8...
Some of the music on my iPod this week has really been reaching me. I've had a nice mix of bands and artists: Lorde, A Great Big World, The Lumineers, Of Monsters and Men. Lots of good stuff there, so check them out.
But my favorite has been the album "All the Little Lights" by Passenger (which is just the stage name for a British singer-songwriter named Michael David Rosenberg.) You might recognize his song Let Her Go from the cute puppy love Budweiser Super Bowl ad.
All the songs on this album are worth a listen, but my favorite might be Holes:
Well sometimes you can't change and you can't choose
And sometimes it seems you gain less that you lose
Now we've got holes in our hearts, yeah we've got holes in our lives
Where we've got holes, we've got holes but we carry on
