Thursday September 25, 2014

Some days you're the bug and some days you're the windshield... I'm having a windshield kind of week.  Nothing major, just the little things that add up to life getting the best of me from time to time.

The little things will pass, and I keep reminding myself that they are little things.  Why is it so easy to forget that sometimes?  In some ways, reminding myself not to sweat the small stuff is a reminder of the big stuff.  And, if I'm being honest, it's difficult to think about the big stuff in my life.

I have been busy working on some volunteer efforts - organizing the upcoming Mayo Volleyball Invitational, working of stuff for the Shannon O'Hara Foundation, and prepping for the upcoming Brains Together For A Cure Walk.  (Shameless plug - come join team Shannon on Oct. 4th if you can.  Wear your Shannon shirt.  Register here.)

I have also been busy propping up Erin, who has had a terrible cold, but refuses to miss any of her activities.  I think she got a double dose of stubbornness from me and Dan.  I think it will serve her well, but sometimes it pisses her mom off!

I have had some time around my house this week as I work on these projects.  It's so easy to just get going and go full speed ahead and feel like life is normal and forget who I am and where I've been.  But it doesn't take much to stop me in my tracks and remind me.  Yesterday, it was a picture of Shannon.  It had fallen over on a shelf, and when I went to set it back up, I got lost in those eyes.  How long has it been?  I had to stop and count the months... 32...

I hate that feeling I get when I think that I almost forgot.  I don't know how to explain it exactly.  Life just goes on and I can go longer periods of time without her being ever present in my mind.  That should be a good thing, right?  But it sure doesn't feel good.  And yet, I don't want to live "in it" each and every moment of each and every day.  It is forever going to be a conflict for me...

I love that life is going on for us, but I hate that it is going so fast.  Erin entering high school has seemed to accelerate things.  I don't like the feeling of getting further away from Shannon.  It is hard to be covering territory now that she never got to discover.  It is harder to stay connected to her when we don't have a reference point for her.  "Remember when Shannon went through this" doesn't work any more.  It's all happening so fast now...

One of the things I love about my new car is having satellite radio.  Yes, I have been jamming with Erin to Hits 1.  We have our own little dance party in the car.  My other go-to stations include Broadway Showtunes, of course, and  80's on 8.  That one is a throw back to my own high school years.  I mean, what's wrong with a little Culture Club and Duran Duran now and then?  I can put myself right back there and remember those days.  Everybody remembers their own high school experience.  I'm still coming to terms with the fact that Shannon didn't get there.

Don't get me wrong, watching Erin grow and thrive and struggle and persevere brings me great joy.  And some sadness.  It's not fair to Erin and frankly, it's not fair to me.  But, that's how it is and we have to just do the best we can.

So, it's been a week.  It will end, and another one will begin.  Always a chance to do better, feel better, cope better.  Always.

"The depth of the feeling continued to surprise and threaten me, but each time it hit again and I bore it... I would discover that it hadn't washed me away." - Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies:  Some Thoughts on Faith