Early a.m. Friday October 7, 2011

Sleep is escaping me tonight.  Having two emotional girls this evening has kept my mind working into the wee hours.  Hockey tryouts have raised the tension level around here.   So stressful for Shannon, and having the three day tryouts coming at the end of a chemo week is a lot to ask of her.   It's difficult to wrap your mind around the fact that this drug that makes her lose her appetite and feel fatigued is really working it's magic on that tumor.  She'd seem perfectly healthy right now if she wasn't taking this medicine that makes her sick!  Shannon felt like she tried her hardest tonight, but didn't perform.  Hard for me not to see it as her body failing her just a bit.

But, in the grand scheme of things, it's amazing that she's out there playing hockey.   When I think back 6 months to diagnosis, we didn't know what Shannon would be capable of come October.   Yet here she is, pushing herself and expecting her best.   We will get through this tryout phase and she will play hockey this winter, and hockey brings her joy.

We returned home from tryouts and I helped Shannon review for the four tests she has today.    She wasn't in the best state of mind to retain the material, but we muddled through.  One more study session over breakfast, and she'll give it a go.

Erin had a mostly good day, including starting piano lessons again.  She's really been looking forward to it.  This year, Shannon is not taking lessons so it will be Erin's own thing, which is a good thing.

Erin's frustration that it's "all about Shannon" boiled up again tonight.   We returned home from tryouts and after briefly chatting with Erin about piano, I headed straight to helping Shannon with her studying.    Erin wanted more of my attention.   Maybe I coddled Shannon tonight, but I couldn't help myself.   So, tonight Dan returned home just in time to walk into that hornet's nest.  "Welcome home, honey. I know you've had a long day. Which crying kid would you like to manage?!"

Some days that's how it goes.  Some of it's just life stuff.  Some of it's just parenting stuff.  Some of it's cancer stuff.  Sometimes it's such a struggle to make any sense out of what we are feeling.  Why do I feel sad tonight?  Am I just worried about the day to day life stuff, or am really worried about the cancer?    Is it possible to separate one from the other?  It's like everything is viewed through a different lens now.

The good news is tomorrow is coming and it's a fresh start and another chance...