That includes the outside world. I read a book this week (I'm just going to keep reading until I figure this all out!) written by 9 mothers who had lost their own children and they came to call people who had not experienced the loss of a child "civilians". It is important for Dan, Erin and I to accept that the "civilians", no matter how much they care about us, can never completely understand. It's not their fault. You must live it to know it...
This week we've spent a lot of time talking with Erin, talking to Erin, and forcing Erin to talk. She's fed up with it - in fact one night this week, she called me on my b.s. and then she said point blank to me "See, I can just be my own psychologist." Oh boy. But, we're not going to let her shut down - we're going to be diligent and persevere. When she's angry and we're vulnerable, that's a bad mix. But, we all know it and we get through...
Emotions lie just under the surface - often times there is no explanation or warning. Today I laughed so hard that I cried. We were being silly at Target and things just got away from me ... then I felt guilty for laughing. Earlier today, I opened a cupboard and came across Shannon's hockey water bottle. All taped up with her hockey tape and her name on it in her printing. I couldn't bring myself to throw it out. As I put it away with her things, it made me cry ... then I felt silly for crying over a water bottle. Sometimes its the little things ...
Grief work has no rules. Whatever we feel, we feel and we have to just be ok with it. We must be kind and gentle with ourselves as best we can. Within the confines of our home, that's not too difficult. But, out in the real world, that's a whole different animal. Nobody wants to have a breakdown in the grocery store. And, we're not always prepared to see people who give us "the look". We have come to know the nod, the sad eyes that say, "Oh boy, you guys had a really bad thing happen to you." We do our best to smile and say hello...
Some positive things did take place this week. Good progress on the remodel. One week from right now, I plan to be lounging in our new space. We also will be posting more information soon about fundraising efforts that we are a part of for St. Jude and also information on the Shannon Scholarship Fund. (This is a shameless tease so you have to keep reading!)
The most positive news of all came today from my friend Mike. The mass that showed up on his CT scan last Sunday turned out to be an infection and not a brain tumor as originally thought. A four hour surgery yesterday at St. Mary's removed the infection that was behind his left eye, eating away a part of his skull, and pressing against his brain. I spoke to him this afternoon and while brain surgery is no picnic, he's relieved to not be heading on a journey that no one wants to take ...
