Friday April 4, 2014

The three amigos have all returned to Willow Lane and we will spend the rest of our Spring Breaks together... in a snowstorm... ugh.  Thank goodness for the Athletic Club where we will head today for some exercise and activity.  Cabin fever on April 4th is a big bummer...

Erin has been catching up on her sleep these past two nights.  She was due after 5 straight days of constant activity.  Her trip was a great time.  In New York, she got to explore some new areas - Little Italy and Chinatown - and see some familiar sights as well - Central Park, a Broadway show, and Top of the Rock.  I am grateful for the chaperones willing to herd 220 kids through Times Square!

E still absolutely loves New York.  It will be interesting to see if the big city is a part of her life someday... But, that's a ways off - she will finally turn 13 next week...

So, all is well on Willow Lane.  I survived my time alone.  It was too quiet, but I gave myself permission to just sit with the silence, the emptiness, and just feel some sadness.  It may sound strange, but I think it's a healthy exercise from time to time.

I sat (with a glass of wine) and looked at Shannon's things.  Some of her schoolwork that I've saved.  Her keepsakes from various trips we took.  Her hockey jerseys and photos.  It was nice to conjure up some memories of her when I was missing her so.

I have to give myself permission to do that, to revisit the past since there is no future for her.  The sadness over that was brought into sharp relief this week with Erin off on her adventure.

Grief is cyclical.  The loss of Shannon will be with me forever, and sometimes I just have to ride the wave off the bottom until I can breathe again.

"You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved.  But this is also the good news.  They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up.  And you come through.  It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly - that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp." - Anne Lamott