Wednesday March 21, 2012

Since my last angst ridden post, we've had a couple of really good days. It appears that Erin has carte blanche to plan things she'd like to do, and she's got quite a list: volleyball and piano have been on the schedule this week, so has her weekly ice cream date with her high school buddy, Ariana. Tomorrow, there are plans to watch some NCAA hoops over dinner with friends and then Erin is going to see The Hunger Games movie with buddy Emily on Friday. Phew! Not much time to sit around and wallow with that schedule. Basically anything Erin wants to do can be done. There's always someone wanting to make it happen for her, whatever it is... it's good to have good people in your life.

I've got good people, too. The friends who keep dragging me out on the tennis court to play each week. It's always fun once I get there. I've got those family and friends who continue to call and text and write and check in. I've come to realize that I am much more comfortable giving love and support than receiving it. I think I needed to come to terms with the fact that there is no need to keep score - I will never be able to repay all the kindness I've received. I just need to let go and accept it as I navigate my new world.

I've been struck by how quickly time seems to be passing all of a sudden. Maybe it's the fast approaching dates on the calendar that I know will trigger some memories. Golf practice started for the Mayo Spartan girls this week. I can picture Shannon in all her excitement last year as she attended those first couple weeks of practice, blissfully unaware that things wouldn't go as she had planned.

As I wrote the other day, trying to plan spring break really threw me for a loop. (As an aside, Dan stepped up, forced my hand, and we did make a plan - the three of us will have a nice little getaway sitting on a beach by the ocean in south FL for a few days.) It's understandable that I felt so ambivalent about planning it, but it's not just about going on a trip without Shannon, it's also marking the anniversary of that spring break trip last year when we were blissfully unaware of what was to come just a short time later.

Blissfully unaware - there's no better phrase to describe it. There are just a few more weeks to mark the anniversary of that time, the time before diagnosis. Then we will reach the anniversary of the time when we became very aware, acutely aware of what we had. And what we could lose ...