Monday January 23, 2012
I am up early and we just received notification that school is on a two hour delayed start today due to the freezing drizzle we had overnight. Erin will be happy about that, and a little extra sleep won't hurt.
I worry that there is less good to share in this blog nowadays. We attempt to be honest here, and right now that means admitting that at least part of each day, we feel kinda shitty. Little things set us off. Emotion comes out when we least expect it. It's like we are on a roller coaster in the dark so we can't anticipate when the next up or down is coming.
Sunday was a mostly good day - sleeping in, being productive around the house and doing some shopping. Then is was off to our friends house to watch the first football game of the afternoon. It was fun and social and felt good in the moment. I feel for our friends, for our family, for anyone who tries to interact with us right now. It is hard to know what to do or say. Words are completely inadequate, but silence hurts as well. How much do you talk about Shannon? About the events of the past few weeks? Is it insensitive to bring it up? Is it insensitive not to? People want to ask the question "How are you?" and I don't have an answer. Even we don't know what we want or need, so how is anybody on the outside supposed to figure out what to do or say?
So, we got home from watching the game and we all sort of let down. On some level, feeling pleasure - laughing with friends - made me feel guilty, I think. Shannon would have loved being in that room, watching the game, and talking smack. How could we go on and do it without her? Happiness may now always come with a sense of longing for what we have lost, for the one who is not there.
But, on the bright side, we did it: we got out there, we interacted, and there was some pleasure in that. It's a start. Things are never going to be the same. We are never going to return to the path we were on. That path doesn't exist anymore. We have been re-routed and we are trying to find our way ...
Posted by Jen