Sunday January 15, 2012

Erin and the 6th grade Spartans basketball team had a good day yesterday. Playing four games and then hanging out with her teammates was just what the doctor ordered to put a smile on Smiley's face.

Dan and I enjoyed seeing that - seeing her active, seeing her focused on something other than what's happened in her life the last week. Hell, how about the last nine months? Dan and I are trying to focus on the present and the future, but some times we are more successful at that than others.

Friday, I had a terrible day. Maybe it was the one week marker since Shannon's passing. Maybe it was Friday the 13th. Maybe it was that everywhere I looked in our house, there are pictures of Shannon (and Erin). I've had many people tell me that "you'll always have those happy memories", but right now when I look at images of those happy times, I just feel sad. We weren't done making those memories. I wasn't done being her mother. I think on Friday, I finally let down. All the momentum and activity surrounding the end of Shannon's life and the celebrations that took place are over now, and it's time to go on. This is the hard part...

So Saturday we headed to Albert Lea and gave Erin all of our attention. People are rooting hard for us, and the families of Erin's teammates all acknowledged our loss and were glad to have us back. A couple of Shannon's good friends were along, rooting on their little sisters. Just as Shannon would have been. I like these kids and I like to be with them, but it was hard. The anticipation of their futures - conversations about going to high school next year - made me feel envious. That's not how I want to feel. Will it get better with time? I believe it will. Will that heartache ever completely go away? I doubt it.

It's another day and another chance to take a tiny step forward. Trying hard to stay in the present and cope today and yet peek into the future and make plans in hopes of even better days ahead. We are off to St. John's this morning for mass and then to the KTTC Eagles Cancer Telethon to make a donation in Shannon's memory.